“Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place.” -Rumi

Our Sahoor meal at 3:45 AM before the Sunrise

I have found that there has been more questions then answers along this trip so far. As I prepare to head into my last 3 weeks here in Jordan I must ask myself. How did I end up here in Jordan? As I look around at these 40 young Americans sitting next to me in the lounge before class starts I always wonder… how did we all end up here? All of us at one point or another in our language careers have been asked, but why Arabic? Some from their parents, some form friends and certainly at some point from themselves. I used to know the answer to this question before coming to Jordan, now the longer I stay here the less sure I am of anything in my life. In my choices in the past and my choices in the future, instead of Jordan answering life questions it has posed larger and deeper ones than I had prepared myself to answer. I have been struggling though these deep questions about what it means to be a human in this global world. Where do we all decide to make a stand? Where do we declare our passions? Do we really ever grow up or are we nothing but older and mildly wiser people? These have been some of the questions that I have struggled with so far and I think I have begun to sort through at least one question of how I ended up here. How I came to be living with a family in the Shemsani Neighborhood of West Amman in the summer of 2014.

It technically all started 4 years ago when I went to the West Bank with my church, but I could argue that it goes back much further than that to when I moved to Brighton when I was 4. A decision I had no choice over but something that benefited my life greatly. The further I find myself away from my hometown the more I glad I was raised in such a loving and comforting place where I was able to be successful but also challenged to become a better person. This world is so much larger than my small Midwestern life led me to believe but that is the beauty of traveling. Realizing that you are allowed to be small in the world because with that feeling comes a good dose of humbleness. I have come to know that although I do not believe in fate and I have never been too religious I wonder how different my life would be if I had been born in a different place, if my family had not chosen to move, if I had lived somewhere else and done something else with life. But before we get too far away from the topic of this post I must go back to the specific decisions that led me to be here.

4 years ago around this time I was returning from being in the Occupied Territories of the West Bank for 3 weeks. The trip that truly began it all, alas other and my father have often wondered, what if my church had wanted to do mission work in some other place in the world, would I be studying Mandarin in China right now, or Spanish in Peru, or Russian in Moscow. The fact that my family and me were part of faith community that valued learning about human rights in the place where Christianity began goes to show that sometimes things just happen. My parents have always been supportive, often skeptical but always supportive. From that time on I have been involved in building bridges through youth exchange in the Holy Land. A happenstance my family and I had never planned on.  I don’t think when I was born my parents envisioned their child spending a summer with Palestinian youth in Michigan. That their child would commit hours to fundraising and efforts to raise awareness including spending a week in New Orleans promoting awareness about walls that exist around the world that keep people separated. Sharing stories and experiences of what it means to live in places where human rights do not exist. I ended up doing these things in many ways by chance and in many ways by difficult choices, in many ways through my parents love. All of these things have been part of the journey that has led me here.
 This world is a crazy place and we are all just floating around trying to figure out which way is forward because we cannot go back. I must say that I feel this phenomenon almost on a daily basis here, the only way is forward, and there is no past except to inform your future. The fact that after working for two years with Palestinian youth when it came time to select a language for my college requirement I couldn’t help myself but take the one spot that was left in Arabic 101. At the time I remember thinking that it was at least worth it to speak to my friends. After two years of Arabic study, and being offered a full ride Arabic Scholarship from Air force ROTC just to be denied for medical reasons at the 11^th hour. I have been taught many things that life is crazy. Life is hard. Life keeps moving.

Now, I am here. I am sitting in the living room of my family’s apartment in Jordan. After almost 6 months of fundraising, applications and countless hours writing essays for scholarships I am here. And yet all the things listed above have not made it clear how I truly got here and why. I can point to all the physical things that got me here, all the decisions I had to make, all the sleepless nights, the pros and cons lists that were scattered around my dorm room floor but here I am. I would like to think that I have been making all the right decisions along the way but I really can never be sure of that. I don’t think anyone is ever really sure of that fact that the decisions they made were the right ones. I hope that they were.
But now it is time to turn my gaze towards the future. There is only one life to live and only one way to go which is forward. An article I read recently about the origins of intelligence in the first humans came down to the theory that our frontal lobe that processes the future and creates an absolute sense of time is what allows us to form modern functioning society. I watch so many college students including myself worry about the future, about jobs, about classes, about bank accounts, about people, and about things that cannot be changed. I have now realized that this one small part of your brain can destroy you with worry or it can give you the ability to know there is a future and that in most cases you cannot control it. Just because something exists does not mean we have to worry or fret about it. Life will continue on. I have worried so much of my life about decisions and then I realized that no matter what I chose the next day still comes and the worry doesn’t make the sunrise come any sooner. This life is beautiful and difficult. If your life has become easy then you are not struggling enough for what you love.  In living in this city I have come to realize that humans have walked this land for thousands of years. They lived and died and worked here. Just as I shall do now, live and die and work on these hills in Amman. We are so limited in what we can do and so we must constantly work to help make our own communities better in any way possible. Piece by piece is how you change things for the better.

I think I have come to the conclusion in my life that I don’t really know exactly how I got here… but I did. And at the end of the day does it really matter how I got here? These days in Amman have truly taught me to learn and live and to keep moving forward because you can’t go back. Me trying to worry about how I got here is an attempt to go back. We must understand the past exits simply to inform the future and I have realized I am content with my decisions and from now on will focus on the present. Living and working and doing my very best to make where I am better in any way. Life is short. Way too short for some and I have realized that how I have gotten here has taught me more than just a year of Arabic classes, this has taught me how to exist in a new and enlightened way.

Now before you all go off and discredit me for being another student who went abroad and was changed forever I do not claim that title and although these posts may seem a bit much at times I am simply trying to capture the feeling of being forced to be a part of a situation which allows you the time and ability to truly think about these things. So to all the other people studying abroad out there or people, who are thinking about it, do it. It will push you if you are open to it to realize what it can mean to be part of this globalized world.

Now besides all these things that involve my inner struggles I can mention a few of the fun things that we did this week including participating in Jordan’s equivalent of Black Friday. The Friday before Eid at the end of Ramadan is the time that the whole city comes out to buy new clothes. A Ramadan tradition is to give each other clothes on the first day of Eid and as we approach the end of Ramadan this week it is time for the city to do its buying for the three day holiday. My roommate and I also participated in our first official day of fasting. We stayed awake till 4:00 AM in order to eat Sahoor, the traditional meal eaten before fasting starts. We then went to bed and slept on and off all day and then ate our dinner at around 8:00 PM just after the second to last call to prayer. It was a wonderful experience that I would suggest for anyone to try. I have an immense respect for the people here who fast every day for a month, a true test of patience and commitment to God. It is also much a part of the culture here and something that should be experienced by anyone living or traveling in the Middle East but also back at home to just experience what so many millions of people do around the world every year.

As the city prepares for Eid I am preparing and packing my bags to go to Turkey.  Yes that is right, I will be going to Turkey for 5 days 4 nights at a beautiful hotel along the Bosporus. I cannot wait to experience a country I have spent so much time reading and learning about. A country that has played such a critical role in the formation of the Eastern world as it exists today. I will be traveling with my good friend Parker and cannot wait to see the city I have only dreamed of going to. Also, to experience another Muslim country in one of the largest holidays of the year will certainly be a joy to see.

I am beginning to have mixed feelings about the end of the program approaching. With no more than 9 school days left and just over 2.5 weeks left in Jordan, I am sad to prepare to leave this place but will be glad to go back home. I do feel that reverse culture shock will be much harder to deal with than culture shock going to Jordan. Although, as our program coordinator warned us at the beginning of the program that Jordan is an interesting case of culture shock. Jordan is a wonderful developing country with Amman being truly a world-class city. On the surface I feel my life was not changed that much by coming here and then it is the little things that eventually you begin to notice. For example this entire trip to Turkey has been a case of trying to coordinate an international trip while dealing with a language barrier, lack of clear Internet access, lack of ability to call them during Ramadan hours. Expecting us to pick up our tickets from the office the night before our flight leaves, not knowing our airline or flight time till literally minutes ago, all the forms filled out on actual paper, and paid all in cash. This trip is what I would picture a Jordanian tour company being. I am never concerned about anything but it is so close to being what home is like except for the little differences.  It is the little differences that are consistent and wearing. The things that do not bother you when they happen once or twice but also after time make me crave home. So I must keep thinking that I will be glad to travel home in a few weeks time but also I never really want to leave Jordan. There is still so much to see and so much to enjoy in the company of the people who live here.
And so here we are. Three weeks left to go and I need to get going on packing for Turkey seeing as I will be enjoying the nightlife of Istanbul at this time tomorrow. I cannot believe how amazing this trip has been for so many more reasons then just being here. The effects will be lasting and so I leave you with this thought that we all can strive to value daily life a little more. Remember that the concept of the future may give us the ability to shape the lives we all want but we cannot let it control us to the point we no longer see the present.

“Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place.” -Rumi

Where do we go from here?

 

Where did we leave off last, oh yes, new beginnings; this week marked the first week of the second session of classes. I have now begun my 302 level of Arabic studies here in Amman, Jordan. Other than that this week has passed by without relatively much happenings in my life. Another night in a café saying goodbye to friends, another week of long days and long nights filled with massive amounts of homework. The most interesting thing that happened may have been the weather and that is not saying much when the change was a few more clouds today and a dip into the upper 70’s.
There are many things that are going on in my life that are worth much thought and deliberation but I will refrain from mentioning them here. The ongoing crisis in the region is something that requires much thought and discernment over these coming days and weeks until I return home. For now, I will keep those opinions to myself in respect to the people who are reading this across the region and the world who all hold varied and deeply held beliefs on the conflicts in Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Gaza and Egypt. I pray for the safety of those who have managed to flee these conflict zones as well as those who have not.  I ask that we all keep those who are suffering, especially the innocent bystanders of war in our thoughts and in our prayers. These are the people who are swept into the way of harm and are the ones we need to be the most aware of. I am so incredibly thankful to be safe with my family here in Amman. Safety and security are things I often take for granted back at home. I will no longer view those things as givens but as gifts that need to be cherished. Please, as you go about your daily lives think about those who suffer, I am constantly reminded that no more than 100 miles away from me people are in desperate need of help, the least we all can provide them is the dignity of keeping them in our thoughts.

The other topic that I wanted to touch on is the trend I have noticed in my own life while being here. The phrase that most encompasses my experiences so far, “If it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, you’re not in Jordan…” Often this is used as a joke during my moments of social or cultural faux pas that happen almost on a daily basis here, from miscommunications in Arabic into English or vice versa, foods you have never seen, spices your stomach doesn’t agree with, heat that your body simply can’t take. All of these things make you uncomfortable. Life here is never fully comfortable. With every passing day it gets easier and easier but at the same time some things about language and culture will always manage to escape my grasp. I will forever be the new kid at the table, the one who doesn’t fit in, the one who wore red on the day everyone was supposed to wear green. Here I stick out like a sore thumb and although I am working on speaking the language and minding my Arabic P’s and Q’s, I will never truly fit in here. Accepting this fact has played out in many ways in my life. The small things no longer worry me like being a few minutes late, not eating what I want to eat, how much time I have to sleep, whether this blog post will be completed on time every week. Things hold less weight to me that ever before. I worry about being relatively healthy, managing to stay alive and well. Consistently focusing on the larger picture of life. Life is much more about the people and the experiences than the things you collect along the way. If I have learned nothing else from this trip I have learned to let go. Let go of my worries, my anxieties, my stress and my inhibitions. Life will all come to an end one day and is it worth it to say that you struggled your whole life to follow a one-track mindset just to end up on the other side, exhausted and alone, with nothing to hold onto because we all know you can’t take your souvenirs from Jordan with you.  “If it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, you’re not in Jordan…” that is a life lesson I will never forget, when faced with things much larger than yourself you accept the awkwardness and being uncomfortable because there is simply no other way around it.

An example this is cab rides. Never get in a silver cab. They cost double the price and the cab drivers usually wont give you change. After attempting to hail a cab in the dark for a few minutes a silver cab pulls up and I immediately dart back into our group of friends pretending I didn’t try and hail a cab. They laughed and immediately pushed me back out to talk to the driver, after apologizing profusely and him attempting to ensure me a good rate I finally bid him goodnight and he sped off angrily. Again, a situation clearly awkward, clearly not a good image on myself, the cab driver more than likely drove away muttering something about stupid Americans but alas, “If it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, you’re not in Jordan…”

I will finish this short but direct blog post with a series of pictures taken of me sleeping over the first month of being here. Although I have tried to seize the moment while being here sometimes you must take time to rest. Even if that rest is in the most awkward of places…

One Day Baby.

Our last day of class for the first session with our Professor

“One-day baby we’ll be old, oh baby we’ll be old, think of all the stories we could have told” – Asaf Avidan
         
This week marked the halfway point in our grand adventure into the Levant. The lyrics above seemed to make an impact upon me as I watched dear new friends disperse back to the United States and the world. This week was an amazing chance to wish these new friends well as they continue on their individual journeys in this language and in their lives. Life is simultaneously long and very short. I find that this month is a very small part of my overall life and yet I will hold onto these stories and memories for years to come. Daily life here holds more weight than I could have ever fathomed. I try to not fall into a daily schedule for fear that being half around the world will begin to feel mundane. As these daily activities become more routine I must constantly remind myself that in the larger scale of life, one month is nothing but a blip but the experiences and the people are the things you hold onto for the rest of your life.
             
Before I continue recounting the things that we have done over the past week I must say a special thank you to our friends who left and returned to real life. Tyler, my roommate, and I miss our building mates very much. Christina from LA and Coco from London have both been a blessing over the past 4 weeks. Truly beautiful and kindhearted people who made the cab rides through massive amounts of traffic bearable. The ones who laughed at our dumb jokes and never ceased to be at least 5 minutes late every morning. Tyler and I wish you guys all the best as you continue on in your adventures this summer. 

             
This week, as I mentioned before, was a week of saying goodbye to new friends while simultaneously completing research papers, taking tests, and finishing up a semester of learning in just under 4 weeks. We spent each night doing slightly different things that truly highlighted the beauty and the diversity of this city. We traveled to the Prince Hashem Bird Garden in our neighborhood, which is a beautiful park that has hundreds of beautiful birds for children to come and look at. We spent another beautiful evening at Hashem’s Rest in the Belad, a world famous restaurant known for its “annoying service” because the servers will continually throw food on your table unless you can stop them fast enough. We spent the rest of that night walking around the central mosque in the valley between all 7 hills of Amman, the citadel beaming above us as vendors called out prices. The Ramadan lights twinkling from apartment buildings all over the city, giving the city a shimmer and glow with Iftar fireworks ringing in the distance. The next night we experienced another Amman famous restaurant known for its 24/7 service of the most unique falafel you will ever try. For those who do not know what falafel is, it is a famous dish of smashed and fried garbanzo beans mixed with parsley. After that we enjoyed Kenafe, a dessert made from a layer of fried cheese and a wheat mixture topped with pistachios. Thursday was the last night for a large amount of the program participants. We gathered in the downtown area, which is called the Belad, here we walked around as some of our friends bought last minute gifts and souvenirs for themselves and family. We walked to another neighborhood and ate sesame bread sandwiches with clay oven baked eggs, a truly unique food to Amman. The night ended with 6 of us enjoying a spectacular view of the city with live Arabic music and argheela smoke drifting on the summer wind. The nights in this city are beautiful with temperatures falling into the 80’s, the smell of bread baking and diesel mixing together. Overlooking this city at night I am constantly reminded how small I truly am in this world but in particularly in this city. We finished our night with a glass of Arak, a famous aperitif drink made in Jordan, the cloudy mixture that gives off a scent of sweet dark licorice. 
            
 In the morning we got on a bus with a sense of excitement for the weekend but also a sense that something was missing without some of our friends. We traveled to the southern most part of the country, a 4-hour ride through the desert to arrive at the paradise, which is Aqaba. A city that rests overlooking the Red Sea and surrounded by mountains is absolutely breathtaking. As we arrived at our hotel and the temperature outside approached 120 we couldn’t help but have our breath taken away by both the heat and the views. Sitting on the beach overlooking Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and the Jordanian coastline. With freighters slowly gliding through the deep blue waters and the mountains in Egypt blurring in the afternoon haze. We spent the afternoon swimming in the sea, trying to avoid sea urchins, which plague the coral right up to the beach. That night we went into the downtown area and ate fresh caught fish and walked around the local markets until late into the night. The entire city and resorts surrounding it were nearly abandoned given that it is off-season as well as Ramadan. The next day we got up early and ate our breakfast by the pool with a slight breeze coming off the sea, the temperatures never dipped below 95 during our stay. We walked along the beach to meet our guide for scuba diving. We then spent the rest of the morning swimming in the sea in preparation for scuba diving, it was the first time for most of us, being able to swim under water with hundreds of fish around you was simply amazing. The water is crystal clear for nearly 15 meters down to the bottom. We explored reefs as well as a sunken freighter ship. Our guide was a British man named Paul who has been diving in the Red Sea for the past three years. He is another example of some of the interesting people you meet along the journey of life. As we ventured throughout the coral reefs and returned to the surface I had to force myself to come to the realization of what we were currently doing. It is not most days that you can say you spent the morning scuba diving in the Red Sea while looking at a sunken Egyptian freighter with a scuba instructor from Britain. We spent the rest of the day relaxing on the beach and trying to even out the tan lines. All in all this weekend was a much-needed reprieve to something that felt oddly like a vacation I would take back home. I ate food that reminded me of home and heard more English than Arabic for once in a month. It was relaxing and invigorating that has prepared me to return to class this week in level 302. 

As I am writing this I cannot help but remember the song that is playing gently in the background. That when I am old I want to tell these stories and the experiences that we are all having. I find it hard to constantly remind myself where I am and what I am doing. I am thoroughly convinced that study abroad changes everyone in different ways and no two people will experience it the same way. For me I am learning that the stories and experiences are what you hold on to and that you must simply do your best and forget the rest. If I constantly worried about doing all the things I know I should be doing I would never open my eyes to see the things happening around me. I can learn all the theory, I can learn all the language and cultural practices, I can learn to plan and execute, I can master a skill set, I can read a book and write a paper, I can have a conversation and write an article, but all of those things mean nothing if I do not understand the world around me. I have taught myself to care less about the details and to not stress about the things I cannot control. Jordan is a strange place and I am nothing more than a foreigner passing through but I already know that although I may not change Jordan, Jordan will change me. In some ways for the better and I am sure in other ways not, but if nothing else I have learned to understand what is around me so that when I am old I will have stories to tell.