“Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place.” -Rumi

Our Sahoor meal at 3:45 AM before the Sunrise

I have found that there has been more questions then answers along this trip so far. As I prepare to head into my last 3 weeks here in Jordan I must ask myself. How did I end up here in Jordan? As I look around at these 40 young Americans sitting next to me in the lounge before class starts I always wonder… how did we all end up here? All of us at one point or another in our language careers have been asked, but why Arabic? Some from their parents, some form friends and certainly at some point from themselves. I used to know the answer to this question before coming to Jordan, now the longer I stay here the less sure I am of anything in my life. In my choices in the past and my choices in the future, instead of Jordan answering life questions it has posed larger and deeper ones than I had prepared myself to answer. I have been struggling though these deep questions about what it means to be a human in this global world. Where do we all decide to make a stand? Where do we declare our passions? Do we really ever grow up or are we nothing but older and mildly wiser people? These have been some of the questions that I have struggled with so far and I think I have begun to sort through at least one question of how I ended up here. How I came to be living with a family in the Shemsani Neighborhood of West Amman in the summer of 2014.

It technically all started 4 years ago when I went to the West Bank with my church, but I could argue that it goes back much further than that to when I moved to Brighton when I was 4. A decision I had no choice over but something that benefited my life greatly. The further I find myself away from my hometown the more I glad I was raised in such a loving and comforting place where I was able to be successful but also challenged to become a better person. This world is so much larger than my small Midwestern life led me to believe but that is the beauty of traveling. Realizing that you are allowed to be small in the world because with that feeling comes a good dose of humbleness. I have come to know that although I do not believe in fate and I have never been too religious I wonder how different my life would be if I had been born in a different place, if my family had not chosen to move, if I had lived somewhere else and done something else with life. But before we get too far away from the topic of this post I must go back to the specific decisions that led me to be here.

4 years ago around this time I was returning from being in the Occupied Territories of the West Bank for 3 weeks. The trip that truly began it all, alas other and my father have often wondered, what if my church had wanted to do mission work in some other place in the world, would I be studying Mandarin in China right now, or Spanish in Peru, or Russian in Moscow. The fact that my family and me were part of faith community that valued learning about human rights in the place where Christianity began goes to show that sometimes things just happen. My parents have always been supportive, often skeptical but always supportive. From that time on I have been involved in building bridges through youth exchange in the Holy Land. A happenstance my family and I had never planned on.  I don’t think when I was born my parents envisioned their child spending a summer with Palestinian youth in Michigan. That their child would commit hours to fundraising and efforts to raise awareness including spending a week in New Orleans promoting awareness about walls that exist around the world that keep people separated. Sharing stories and experiences of what it means to live in places where human rights do not exist. I ended up doing these things in many ways by chance and in many ways by difficult choices, in many ways through my parents love. All of these things have been part of the journey that has led me here.
 This world is a crazy place and we are all just floating around trying to figure out which way is forward because we cannot go back. I must say that I feel this phenomenon almost on a daily basis here, the only way is forward, and there is no past except to inform your future. The fact that after working for two years with Palestinian youth when it came time to select a language for my college requirement I couldn’t help myself but take the one spot that was left in Arabic 101. At the time I remember thinking that it was at least worth it to speak to my friends. After two years of Arabic study, and being offered a full ride Arabic Scholarship from Air force ROTC just to be denied for medical reasons at the 11^th hour. I have been taught many things that life is crazy. Life is hard. Life keeps moving.

Now, I am here. I am sitting in the living room of my family’s apartment in Jordan. After almost 6 months of fundraising, applications and countless hours writing essays for scholarships I am here. And yet all the things listed above have not made it clear how I truly got here and why. I can point to all the physical things that got me here, all the decisions I had to make, all the sleepless nights, the pros and cons lists that were scattered around my dorm room floor but here I am. I would like to think that I have been making all the right decisions along the way but I really can never be sure of that. I don’t think anyone is ever really sure of that fact that the decisions they made were the right ones. I hope that they were.
But now it is time to turn my gaze towards the future. There is only one life to live and only one way to go which is forward. An article I read recently about the origins of intelligence in the first humans came down to the theory that our frontal lobe that processes the future and creates an absolute sense of time is what allows us to form modern functioning society. I watch so many college students including myself worry about the future, about jobs, about classes, about bank accounts, about people, and about things that cannot be changed. I have now realized that this one small part of your brain can destroy you with worry or it can give you the ability to know there is a future and that in most cases you cannot control it. Just because something exists does not mean we have to worry or fret about it. Life will continue on. I have worried so much of my life about decisions and then I realized that no matter what I chose the next day still comes and the worry doesn’t make the sunrise come any sooner. This life is beautiful and difficult. If your life has become easy then you are not struggling enough for what you love.  In living in this city I have come to realize that humans have walked this land for thousands of years. They lived and died and worked here. Just as I shall do now, live and die and work on these hills in Amman. We are so limited in what we can do and so we must constantly work to help make our own communities better in any way possible. Piece by piece is how you change things for the better.

I think I have come to the conclusion in my life that I don’t really know exactly how I got here… but I did. And at the end of the day does it really matter how I got here? These days in Amman have truly taught me to learn and live and to keep moving forward because you can’t go back. Me trying to worry about how I got here is an attempt to go back. We must understand the past exits simply to inform the future and I have realized I am content with my decisions and from now on will focus on the present. Living and working and doing my very best to make where I am better in any way. Life is short. Way too short for some and I have realized that how I have gotten here has taught me more than just a year of Arabic classes, this has taught me how to exist in a new and enlightened way.

Now before you all go off and discredit me for being another student who went abroad and was changed forever I do not claim that title and although these posts may seem a bit much at times I am simply trying to capture the feeling of being forced to be a part of a situation which allows you the time and ability to truly think about these things. So to all the other people studying abroad out there or people, who are thinking about it, do it. It will push you if you are open to it to realize what it can mean to be part of this globalized world.

Now besides all these things that involve my inner struggles I can mention a few of the fun things that we did this week including participating in Jordan’s equivalent of Black Friday. The Friday before Eid at the end of Ramadan is the time that the whole city comes out to buy new clothes. A Ramadan tradition is to give each other clothes on the first day of Eid and as we approach the end of Ramadan this week it is time for the city to do its buying for the three day holiday. My roommate and I also participated in our first official day of fasting. We stayed awake till 4:00 AM in order to eat Sahoor, the traditional meal eaten before fasting starts. We then went to bed and slept on and off all day and then ate our dinner at around 8:00 PM just after the second to last call to prayer. It was a wonderful experience that I would suggest for anyone to try. I have an immense respect for the people here who fast every day for a month, a true test of patience and commitment to God. It is also much a part of the culture here and something that should be experienced by anyone living or traveling in the Middle East but also back at home to just experience what so many millions of people do around the world every year.

As the city prepares for Eid I am preparing and packing my bags to go to Turkey.  Yes that is right, I will be going to Turkey for 5 days 4 nights at a beautiful hotel along the Bosporus. I cannot wait to experience a country I have spent so much time reading and learning about. A country that has played such a critical role in the formation of the Eastern world as it exists today. I will be traveling with my good friend Parker and cannot wait to see the city I have only dreamed of going to. Also, to experience another Muslim country in one of the largest holidays of the year will certainly be a joy to see.

I am beginning to have mixed feelings about the end of the program approaching. With no more than 9 school days left and just over 2.5 weeks left in Jordan, I am sad to prepare to leave this place but will be glad to go back home. I do feel that reverse culture shock will be much harder to deal with than culture shock going to Jordan. Although, as our program coordinator warned us at the beginning of the program that Jordan is an interesting case of culture shock. Jordan is a wonderful developing country with Amman being truly a world-class city. On the surface I feel my life was not changed that much by coming here and then it is the little things that eventually you begin to notice. For example this entire trip to Turkey has been a case of trying to coordinate an international trip while dealing with a language barrier, lack of clear Internet access, lack of ability to call them during Ramadan hours. Expecting us to pick up our tickets from the office the night before our flight leaves, not knowing our airline or flight time till literally minutes ago, all the forms filled out on actual paper, and paid all in cash. This trip is what I would picture a Jordanian tour company being. I am never concerned about anything but it is so close to being what home is like except for the little differences.  It is the little differences that are consistent and wearing. The things that do not bother you when they happen once or twice but also after time make me crave home. So I must keep thinking that I will be glad to travel home in a few weeks time but also I never really want to leave Jordan. There is still so much to see and so much to enjoy in the company of the people who live here.
And so here we are. Three weeks left to go and I need to get going on packing for Turkey seeing as I will be enjoying the nightlife of Istanbul at this time tomorrow. I cannot believe how amazing this trip has been for so many more reasons then just being here. The effects will be lasting and so I leave you with this thought that we all can strive to value daily life a little more. Remember that the concept of the future may give us the ability to shape the lives we all want but we cannot let it control us to the point we no longer see the present.

“Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place.” -Rumi